Walking through Rejection…

Most of us have to deal with rejection on a daily basis, whether it’s concerning relationships, career aspirations or family conflict, the list goes on. However, what happens when rejection is not only external, but internal, ingrained in your very soul. What happens when you reject yourself?

We may have many expectations concerning ourselves, and our lives. Self-rejection is a real issue, and sometimes an undercurrent that we may not know exists in our minds until particular situations arise. It may make us miss career opportunities, or making the first move concerning a relationship, even if we know that’s the right thing to do.

 It’s easy to make assumptions that we know what the other person is thinking, or how they will respond to a particular situation, but to be honest, we can never truly know what they’re thinking. For me personally, self-rejection has made me hold back in certain situations, In particular relationships. Alongside this, self-rejection has stirred my career path and stopped me from pursuing my dreams to become a teacher for as long as I can remember, just in case I fail. Folks, it’s hard to admit that I deal with self – rejection on a daily basis, (especially relationships) but I feel that opening up about this issue is part of my healing.

Let’s look at examples…

So you like someone, I mean, you really like someone, and it’s going well, then all of a sudden you find yourself, holding back; your guard’s up, you’re no longer giving your all, even though the other person has begun to respond positively, it seems like they like you, yet you’re not sure. (However, your holding back method of ‘protect before they reject you’ and the general forced, lack of effort, in conversation and personal contact may have placed doubt in their mind, and yours also.) They have begun to think you’re not into them, so you find they’re holding back too, which is only natural.

Scenario 1

It’s a domino effect in some respects, you’ve rejected yourself before they rejected you, therefore you’ve also now been rejected (like you thought you would be) – it’s become a self-filling prophecy. There’s logic behind this mayhem I suppose, and of course there’s reasoning behind this mentality; you’ve built up walls in your (heart) to guard yourself from getting hurt.

There’s another extreme, on one hand you hold back but on the other hand you give everything you’ve got to someone who is not right for you. Months in, you get the gist that the feelings aren’t mutual. But you still push it, and find the courage to show them you’re into them without coming right out and saying, (I like you…) the table turns, after weeks or even months of throwing yourself at this person, they let you down gently.

Scenario 2

You’ve thrown yourself at this person, with the certainty that there’s no way they will reject you. But they do, with good reason. In this situation there’s an aftermath of feelings, you may feel crushed, and feelings like, ‘why didn’t they let me know earlier that they weren’t interested?’ ‘I feel like I’ve wasted time.’ There’s an undercurrent feeling of regret and even for some people stupidity.

My Story (in less than 300 words)

Of course, I believe there’s a root to these internal feelings of rejection. I experienced a lot of rejection as a child. I felt as though I wasn’t very appealing in my looks, because I was constantly being compared to other family members, I was the tall one, not the pretty one. I recall being called ‘ugly’ by a group of boys at a local park, and I held on to this comment for a long time even though I knew in my heart of the heart that this wasn’t true. When I look back at my childhood photos I realize I was really beautiful and just needed an external voice to confirm that.

I was overlooked in my early teens; I was the shy one, the skinny one, the pale one. Things changed, in my college years, I had become desirable. But these ingrained issues of rejection had build layers in my heart.

I didn’t know who I was, and I wasn’t aware of my beauty. I rejected any guy who asked me out in my late teens, partly because I didn’t feel ready for relationships, and if they get to know me, would they still like me (note: self-rejection.) After my university years, the interest I got from guys died down so I accepted the first guy that showed any interest in me, after my first psychotic episode. To find out that he originally liked a family member – (talk about rejection.) I was 23 and I felt I was back in my early teens once again, I felt like second best; I felt like plan B.

What can we do about self-rejection??

Tip 1 # Don’t take life too seriously

Someone once said, life’s not a rehearsal, and that’s true, we can’t redo things that have already past. But also we are not constantly on a stage, and we shouldn’t be living our lives constantly looking for approval from others. Approve yourself first. And give yourself time to breathe.

Tip 2 # Everyone makes mistakes

This doesn’t mean we must purposely go out to make a mistake, but this does mean, that we need to accept we are human, therefore we are prone to making mistakes. Don’t allow mistakes to diminish your value and worth. You performance is part of you as a person, but it doesn’t determine what you are worth and value.

Tip 3 # Briefly study rejection from a psychological perspective

Rejection is real and even more so self-rejection – just researching rejection a little bit has shed light on some of the emotional wounds in my heart and mind. Allow yourself time to heal. People say time is a healer, but sometimes you need the ‘hurt’ to come to the surface so it can be dealt with. – I’m going through a healing process myself, writing out letters, in the form of a diary entry, to address those who have hurt me, or rejected me in the past, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I believe acknowledgement is the first step to healing, especially from rejection.

Tip 4 # Do things for yourself and value

You treat those who you value, treat yourself, having a massage, sauna and steam room once in a while or going to your favourite coffee shop.

Read my past post about value: https://lookafteru4me.wordpress.com/2019/11/12/your-net-worth-is/

Tip 5 # Know you are accepted even when you are rejected by others.

Lastly, one more point, if you look throughout history; rejected people have the potential to be the greatest leaders, influencers, and world shakers; you can make a significant difference to this world in a major way; especially when you’re not accepted by the majority.(Fact)

Take a personality test, you may find you share a personality type with a major influencer or leader.