‘Self-hate can feel like having a person following you around, all day every day, criticizing you and pointing out every flaw or shaming you for every mistake.’
– Verywellmind
Whether we like it or not we are with ourselves all the time. We are the one person we can’t get away from (even if we really wanted to.) For the longest time ever I’ve led myself to believe that because I spend a lot of time alone and invest in self-care therefore this inevitably means I like my own company, and I truly love myself. Of course that’s an aspect of self-love, however self-love goes much deeper.
‘Self-love begins when we observe our actions and words with compassion as if we were our own best friend.’—
– Sara M Bosworth
Many of us battle with feelings of unworthiness and an undercurrent of being undeserving of love. But I’ve come to see that these feelings are a result or lack of self-love and acceptance for myself. It’s those feelings that drove me to write this post in order to break the silence and put the ‘inner critic’ to rest. I originally intended to write the exact words and phrases that have been on a constant replay in my head for who knows how long. However I don’t think they deserve the glory or occupancy on this post. But the words that had taken up occupancy in my thoughts were a direct result of my past mistakes and shortcomings throughout my life time.
Psych2Go
‘Everyone makes mistakes’- most of us have heard this phrase over and over. And in a way it may act has a way to lessen the blow of feelings or failure or justify shortcomings for others. However how often do we casually tell ourselves, ‘everyone makes mistakes (including myself)’? How often to we give ourselves the same leeway we give to others, if we don’t meet our expectations? Do we give ourselves that same reassurance and grace that we so freely give to others?
“Many times we are our worst enemy. If we could learn to conquer ourselves, then we will have a much easier time overcoming the obstacles that are in front of us.”
― Stephan Labossiere
So quickly I’m learning that how I talk to myself on a daily basis, has a lot to do with how I esteem myself and esteem has a lot to with self-love. Esteem refers to ‘the regard in which one is held’. Many of us may esteem famous influencers, celebrities, and closer to home, family members or significant others. We have good thoughts, and good words about those we esteem, even when they put a foot wrong.
However the question I’m proposing to you is: who do you have high regard for? And do you have a reasonably high regard for yourself?
Things you may wish to consider:
WORDS ARE IMPORTANT
We are often taught to look for the best in others, but do we see the best in ourselves? We are taught to treat others in the same respects as ourselves, however how do we treat ourselves internally? If the saying was, “speak to others how you speak to yourself internally” – how would that sound?
If everyone treated others as poorly as they treat themselves, the old biblical adage, “Love your neighbour as yourself,” could be a recipe for war.
Goodtherapy
GIVE YOURSELF LEEWAY TO MAKE MISTAKES
I’ve always said, ‘life is not a rehearsal, you take it has it comes, this improvised play it can’t be undone.’ Just reminding myself of this phrase reminds me that life doesn’t have to be ‘picture perfect’. Most of us expect other people to have imperfections but we don’t allow ourselves the same leeway to fall short or make mistakes. This doesn’t mean, live life recklessly, however it does mean that sometimes we may make plans that don’t reach our expectations, and sometimes we may do things that fall short.
CONFIDENCE FUELS CONFIDENCE
If you were interviewing someone for a job, and they spoke really badly of themselves concerning the job they were interviewing for. Would that give you any confidence in their capabilities and therefore reason to employ them? Negative self-talk is like setting yourself up to fail. It seems harmless, because most people don’t get to hear what you think of yourself.
However, there is a well-known proverb that says, out of the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks. So, what it going on internally, will eventually spill out externally. Surround yourself with positive speakers and speak positive affirmations about yourself on a regular basis. E.g., ‘I am worthy.’ ‘Good things do happy to me and will happen to me.’ ‘I deserve to be loved.’
I’m not going to pretend affirmations will be the quick fix remedy. However, it can give you some substance to think on rather than entertaining negative thoughts. Like the proverb says, as a man thinks in his heart, so is he.
Choose to love yourself – because you truly deserve to be love – and loved unconditionally:)
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Refrences and Readings:
Clarke, J MA, LPC/MHSP . (2020). How to Stop Your Self-Hatred. Available: https://www.verywellmind.com/ways-to-stop-self-hatred-4164280. Last accessed 2 Jan 2020.
Learn Ways to Stop Self-Hatred (verywellmind.com)
Freedenthal, S. (2013). How to Turn Self-Hatred into Self-Compassion. Available: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-turn-self-hatred-into-self-compassion-1112135. Last accessed 2 Jan 2020.#
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