Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming worry that people close to you will leave.
Healthline.com
Jo knows she has some trust issues, not at first, but when the relationship starts to deepen. For some reason she finds it hard to commit to a relationship, and is picky to the point she doesn’t choose anyone even when presented with several options of guys.
So when she does enter a relationship, she finds that she’s giving more than she gets back because she is trying so hard to keep the other person happy, and constantly trying to please the other person even at the expense of her own essential needs and boundaries. Jo begins to let the other person run things to the point that she feels she has no say and they always get their way, (even when she vocalises her opinions) often leaving her resentful and her needs and desires unfulfilled.
Jo has become really attached quickly but at the back of your mind she keeps in mind (this person may eventually leave) – that thought acts as an safety net for her emotions and always has. Jo battles with feelings of unworthiness, and loneliness and sometimes an emotional disconnect during her relationship, but she doesn’t understand why.
In the past when and if things do break up you finds she bounces back or move on so quickly, it’s like water of a duck’s back. This has just been the way things are and the way things have always been.
(Let’s be honest, this scenario/ thought patterns, may sound pretty normal to many, but there are some underlining issues behind them.)
Embedded is a deep rooted issue, that may come to the surface during a romantic relationship, and in a way you don’t expect – e.g. smothering the person, or sabotaging a good relationship, fear or rejection, so rejecting yourself before they reject you, or neglecting your own needs to satisfy the other person’s needs, the list goes on…
Never in a million years did I imagine myself writing a post based around this topic. In fact I’ve only heard of the phrase (fear of abandonment) once, but I never fully understand what it meant. Throughout this post I will briefly discuss my personal experience/s and my own recent discovery that fear of abandonment was a problem in my life upon entering a relationship.
Disclaimer:
The aim of this post is not to add to the current information that is available on what fear of abandonment is. But rather to offer tips or suggestions to help you on your journey to healing and recovery.
Verywellmind
Some people are solely afraid of losing a romantic partner. Others fear abandonment in other relationships.
My Story
For me personally, I believe that one of the major life event/s that caused me to develop a sense of abandonment arose when I was hospitalized at the age of 20 after finishing my University degree. At the time, my body was rejecting food, and I lost a lot of weight, so I was put on a drip, to add to that, I couldn’t utter any words despite my attempts to – it was like I was muffled. I was completely bed bound as I was connected to a drip, and medicated heavily, I felt alone, abandoned and scared.
Despite the fact that my parents and siblings visited me as frequently as possible – there was a nagging in my heart saying “don’t leave” every time they had to go after visiting hours (what made it worse – I couldn’t say it audibly.) After a couple of months, I began eating and talking a bit, so I was transferred to ward for vulnerable women, the nights often consisted of being supervised heavily, canteen dinners, and people screaming at the top of their lungs at night, it was traumatizing.
There was a variety of reasons why people were admitted to this ward, my being, that I was vulnerable in a sense because I was hardly talking, my weight had dropped (to put it plainly, I wasn’t myself.) The doctors diagnosed my first experience with mental health as a psychotic episode – this was the beginning of my fight with mental health difficulties, medication and everything else that comes along with it.
Anyone can develop a fear of abandonment. It can be deeply rooted in a traumatic experience you had as a child or a distressing relationship in adulthood
Healthline.com
As many of you may already know, I entered a relationship after my second episode, which panned out to be a 2 year engagement in a relationship I didn’t fully want to commit to. Despite my relationship being unhealthy, I stayed until I had another episode in the midst of this relationship which was triggered by the stress and pressure placed on me during this time.
After coming out of hospital I decided that I no longer wanted to be in this relationship, however I didn’t vocalize this to my ex-boyfriend – despite my lack of communication concerning this he realized that I no longer had the desire to marry him, so he left me, without saying anything and purposely gave me no closure. Unusually, I never heard from or seen him ever since despite living so close.
After this break-up, I picked up myself, and bounced back quickly. After a week, I pushed all my feelings under the rug and got on with my life. I thought this was resilience and strength because I didn’t let the break-up effect me negatively, my life flourished, I got a job, a car, pursued hobbies. (But the wounds of that relationship only recently came to the surface, when I met a guy who reminded me of my ex.)
Fear of abandonment can impact an otherwise healthy relationship.
Good Therapy
An undercurrent of fear of abandonment came to light most recently upon entering a relationship with a good guy. Below are a few of the signs I noticed that started to come to the surface has the relationship deepened. I have paraphrase/adapted the list from Good Therapy based on my own experience: (to get further symptoms of insight check out the links under reading and references.)
- “giving too much” or “people pleasing” in order to keep the other person happy to point of neglecting your own essential needs and desires
- Undercurrent of trust issues has relationship deepens
- Feelings of insecurities or feeling unworthy of love
- Lack of emotional intimacy has the relationship develops
Below are a few tips to consider if you are dealing with the fear of abandonment:
Know, there’s a root
Your experience may differ from mine, however, no matter what experience you may have gone through – identifying what experience or life event that led to your fear of abandonment is the first stage of recovery in the area of healing in your emotions. Whether you choose to do this alone, or through therapy – It will be like a weight lifted of you shoulders once you know there’s a root.
We are constantly on a journey of healing
If you have just found out that fear of abandonment is impacting your relationship/s (like me) the knowledge of this should not reflect badly on you. The fact that you acknowledge the problem, and even found the root is the first step to healing and wholeness.
Don’t be too hard on yourself – Take one step at a time – concerning you healing
(Rome was not build in one day) baby steps first, walking afterwards.
Don’t go too deep
My initial reaction upon finding out about fear of abandonment was to find out has much about it as possible – however this can do more damage then good because it’s an overload of information and it can cause you to heavily self-diagnose. I don’t claim to be a psychologist (and I would never encourage you to self-diagnose.) But you can seek professional help, or reach out to a trusted friend or family member so you can work through your feelings with someone.
Be kind to (you)
Being kind to yourself says a lot about how you value yourself, and how you see your worth. Feelings and thoughts that a person may not want you, or not love you, or would want to leave you- reflects a lot on how you feel about yourself (especially if those thoughts have no truth in them.)
I have done previous posts on body image, loneliness, rejection and self-worth that you may wish to read.
(they are linked below) …
As always it’s been a pleasure writing this reflective post.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend
Your Net Worth is …
https://lookafteru4me.wordpress.com/2019/11/12/your-net-worth-is/
Picture Perfect: Body Image and Mental Health
https://lookafteru4me.wordpress.com/2019/11/30/picture-perfect-body-image-and-mental-health/
Lonely but not alone
https://lookafteru4me.wordpress.com/2020/02/21/loneliness-on-ongoing-battle/
Walking through Rejection…
https://lookafteru4me.wordpress.com/2020/03/07/walking-through-rejection/
Reading and References:
https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-abandonment-2671741
https://www.healthline.com/health/fear-of-abandonment
https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/abandonment
LookafterU4me 