Inside an ‘Anxious’ Mind – (Part 1) Panic Attacks, Social Anxiety, Phobia, CBT.

Thoughts racing, heart’s pounding, sweaty palms, belly’s churning, mouths dry; body’s trembling.

My internal thoughts:

‘I dare not look at the time, just in case it goes even slower.’ ‘They said this meeting will only last an hour, I feel like I’ve been here forever.’ ‘It’s torture sitting here.’

‘My belly’s churning; I think I need to go to the toilet.’ ‘Can I excuse myself? (‘will they think something is wrong with me?’) -‘Will they think: she could have held herself for just a bit longer, there’s only twenty minutes to go.’ (until the meeting is over)

There are asking questions, I’m being too quiet, they might think somethings wrong.’ ‘What if they ask me a question? I won’t know what to say…’ (Then the outcry for help begins) ‘God please help me.’ ‘let this be over soon.’ ‘Why do I have this.’(referring to anxiety) ‘I need to get out of here’

I haven’t just seen a ghost; I’m not waiting my turn one of the most famous theme park rides – accelerating at 80 mph in 2.3 seconds flat. I’m sitting in a staff training meeting; the topic is on (improving performance, communication and interaction with customers.) The team leader said, it will only last for one hour and a half. The topic interests me at first; I have my pen and paper ready.

The room is quiet, not to bright nor to dim (that suits me, I won’t draw any extra attention to myself.) Everyone is sitting not too far, nor too close. I decide to sit close to the door (That’s where I feel comfortable.) The meeting starts of well, I’m interested in the content. When suddenly a thought pops into my mind:

‘this meetings is a whole hour and a half.‘ then the thought continues, ‘Are you sure you can manage this? (I try to shrug it off) Then it comes back with another nagging thought,’I’m surprised you don’t feel anxious.’ then my mind thinks, ‘What time is it?‘ That’s when the internal (war) begins -the panic, the trembling and all the rest.

My Internal thoughts are a string of innocence yet provoking trigger, all space of an hour, don’t get me wrong, all begins well at first . I can usually tense the feelings of anxiety and all it’s glory for maybe the first 20 minutes, then my war of protection comes crumbling down. Note: This is not a one time occurrence, but has been a constant (internal war) for as long as I can remember (over 10 years.)

I’m currently taking a course on Future Learn on Understanding Anxiety, Depression and CBT which as shed more light on these difficulties. That has also made me consider getting CBT sessions for the anxiety that I face. Of course Anxiety as revealed itself accordingly, depending on where I was and what I was doing. If I was at Uni, it would arise in lectures, just because I was sitting still for a hour, with pin drop silence.
At work, it would reveal itself in meetings, or unexpected speaking opportunities (not overly, but internally.) And yet in contrast, I could get up in front of hundreds of people and recite and perform a poem ( even sometimes by heart.) I feel as though God held back anxiety from occupying the area of my life which held my purpose, my calling, writing and speaking poetry.

” The term ‘Anxiety’ refers to a response to a threatening situation (whether this perceived threat or actual threat to health or well being.”

Understanding Anxiety, Depression and CBT

This quote identifies two specific categories concerning anxiety, what is ‘perceived’ and what is ‘actual.’ According to the Oxford dictionary, ‘perceived’ refers ‘to interpret or regard (someone or something) in a particular way.’

Anxiety really became conciously anxiety when it started having an significant impact on my everyday life e.g. college, university and work. Let’s make something clear, no one is immune completely to ‘normal’ anxiety’ in small dozes – I’ve learnt that anxiety is the body’s response to what it considers threatening. ‘ e.g. a parent waiting up for their child to come back from a night club, or party. A student anxious about their exam, thereby acting as a safety net in many respects. For sure that they are many people who suffer from anxiety difficulties on a everyday basis. I managed to get through uni, keep a steady job for half a decade and battle everyday with anxiety sometimes at its peek. However I don’t wish to cotinue allowing anxiety to dominate my life and my life decisions and opportunities.

Phobia Example

A phobia is an obsessive, intense and extreme fear of an object, place, situation or creature. (And having an) […] irrational apprehension about something they perceive as a danger.

– No Panic

Example 1
Someone is walking in the local common, they see a dog. Their personal perception of dogs is, ‘ all dogs are dangerous’ despite having no negative encounters with dogs in general. Their way of dealing with this phobia may be to avoid all dogs, and walk the opposite way, or avoid going to the local common completely.
Example 2
You and a friend are hiking in the countryside, she sees a dog; your friend then expresses that she has been bitten by a dog when she was younger, and she has a scar to prove it. She hates dogs in general and has based her perception of dogs this past negative encounter. She also chooses to avoid dogs as much as possible because she thinks they can be unpredictable. This Phobia appears more rational than Example 1.

These examples have 2 things in common:
1) Both of their phobias of dogs are based on perception, how so you may ask?;
Example 1, perceives all dogs as dangerous based on their own personal knowledge of dog, this may be from stories they’ve heard or a parent who shares the same phobia.
Whereas Example 2 perceived dogs as dangerous, their perception is based on their own negative encounter. However (Example 2) differs in a sense that this individual may associate their ‘phobia’ with particular dogs, like the one who bit her when she was younger.

2) Both examples used avoidance strategies in order to cope with their fears.

Which leads me onto my next topic, avoidance.

Avoidance and a sense of safety

Avoidance means, ‘the action of keeping away from or not doing something.’ For those of you have anxiety difficulties, (like me,) avoidence may be ‘your knight in shining armour’, or your ‘saving grace at times.’
For example, If I knew I would potentionally feel anxious in a particular place hyprophectically, let’s say a work christmas function. If I felt anxious about this situation I may strum up an excuse not to go. E.g. if too expensive, or I’ve got too much things to do, in order to prepare for christmas. (These sound like valid excuses) What’s the harm? It’s only a work function.
However what about if your close friend invites you to a her 25th birthday, it’s a birthday party and there’s going to be a few people you know, but most of the people who are there are not familar with you. Yet think you may have what may be considered as ‘social anxiety’ and you sometimes clam up and get really overwhelmed when it comes to social events – and talking to people in fear of judgement or embarrassment. Disclaimer: everyone gets nervous at times in social situations, – I would advise you not to self diagnose, but seek professional help.

“Social anxiety/phobia is a persistent fear of social situations where one may be exposed to attention or possible judgement by others. The fear of doing something humiliating or embarrassing can lead to complete avoidance of public contact/situations.”

– No Panic

In this case you have a choice, do you ‘avoid’ this whole situation completely – don’t attend the party – give your friend a belated birthday present. Or pass through, for an hour or so, and face your fears. The second choice is easier said then done.
Many people have anxiety yet still find the abiltiy to get through the everyday things. E.g. a stressful day at work, attending work functions or birthday parties or get togethers. However Anxiety can be inbearable. However there are so many who still struggle to find a way to get past their anxieties.

Social Anxiety:
https://nopanic.org.uk/social-phobia/
https://nopanic.org.uk/

Phobia: https://nopanic.org.uk/phobia/

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/phobias/causes/

Panic Attacks: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anxiety-and-panic-attacks/panic-attacks/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI5bDBgZaL6QIVTLDtCh0_Ow7CEAAYASAAEgIUWPD_BwE

I hope this post shed more light on understanding anxiety. If you having any difficulties with anxiety, don’t hesitate to seek professional help or advice.

Part 2 of this post (I’m hoping to have CBT) in order to help me cope with Anxiety.

Find out more about CBT: click below

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cognitive-behavioural-therapy-cbt/